Restless

It is, as I am typing now, 1:02 AM. I am suppose to be leaving in 6 hours to go to Naples for the day with Adam, Eric and Father Wade in what will surely be a great day of learning at the Alliance Conference put on by the guys at Summit. And so while I should be sleeping, I am tossing and turning, and trying to figure out why I can't sleep. But I can't. So after many conversations back and forth between God and I, and between my brain and I, I decided to do my journal for the day (the 2nd.) So I got up and grabbed Lora's journal (no I didn't look through her entries,) and Adam's ESV Bible and do some reading and writing (on a side note, I would like to thank Adam and Lora of their , although unknown to them, generosity and kindness for letting me borrow their items.) Anyways, so what I am about to do now is read the day's chapters and write about them. I will post them here, and although it may seem that I am copying a good man's blog in doing this, I assure you that I do this on my own accord, and only because I feel that this is what God is wanting me to do now instead of sleeping. I will be back in a few...


Ok, it's 2:18 now. The following is what God has been saying to me in the past hour. I only read 1/3 of the chapter in 2 Kings, but I'll finish the rest later in the day. So here it is:

Why is it that God continues to say over and over again that He will “not cause the feet of Israel to wander anymore,” yet Israel does again and again and again. And God takes them back again and again and again. Here in 2 Kings 21:8 God says it again, but what happens in verse 9? “But they did not listen, and Manasseh led them astray.” I’m no Bible scholar, but I do think that I have a good bit of head knowledge of the Bible and God and matters concerning the two, and I’ll be honest, this issue has perplexed me the most. God, in the O.T., repeatedly says that He will make Israel great. Then Israel turns on Him, and then there is judgment. Then they come back to Him, then there is forgiveness, and the promise that He will guide them and that they will never again leave. And the cycle keeps going all the way through the O.T. Then Jesus comes, and the time of the Gentiles kicks in and the Jews are cast out, and their minds and eyes, both as an ethnic and religious group, are veiled. But the promise is made by Paul that the Jews’ time of yet another redemption will come again, just before the end of time. So here’s my issue: God makes these promises, then the opposite happens. And this is repeated all throughout the O.T. I mean, the books of Kings, Samuel and Chronicles are sometimes hard for me to read (and I LOVE history) just because it is the same ole story: promise and rejection. But going even deeper into this idea, I find what I think is the real issue for me. The entire history of Israel is my life story for the past 9 years of my Christian life. I’m lead out of slavery, I have a few years of wandering around the “desert” called my high school, and then I arrive at the Promised Land. But then I get angry with the new set of rules, and even with the memories of the parted Red Sea still vivid in my mind, I find it hard to follow and believe in this way of life. So I then abandon it, but only for a spell, then I come back with a furry of passion and commitment. But then something else came along, whether it was a new girl, and new friend, a new bar, or a new drink. Or even the same old friend, girl, drink, or bar. Regardless of what it was, I turned, did not listen, and was lead astray. But time and time again, I came back. Sometimes, I had one hand stretched out to the heavens in praise with the other hand still grasping my idols. Other times I came back with both hands held high, but still reeling with euphoria off the thoughts of that girl from the night before. And a few times, I came back with my face to the ground, unable to speak, with tears pouring down my face, begging God not to end and erase my pitiful excuse of a life from the memories of loved ones, and family. But what I am afraid of is this: when will, in my life, come the age of Jesus, where the age of the Gentiles kicks in, and the veil is pulled over my eyes? When will the patience of the Lord expire for me, and his just wrath start? I shutter at just the thought of that time being just around the corner. I pray that God will grant me just a bit more grace and withhold his furious wrath from me for just a little bit longer. It’s funny, but Adam and I have joked before about the subject of Limited/Unlimited Atonement in relation to my life, and he always says that for everyone else, God has unlimited atonement, but just especially for me, he has a limited amount. My great fear is Adam being right. What was the final straw for the Jews, where did God draw the line in the sand, and say “that’s enough?” So as I read this chapter in 2 Kings, I am again reminded of this fact; God wants me living out what he has called me to do. I know all the right stuff, and can recite it all back, but when will I start living in it? When will be the last time I fall down at His feet, never to arise again? When will I cling to His feet, and beg to not leave His presence? When will I take my $100 cologne and spill it over His feet, or use my favorite shirt from the Gap to dry them? Like Israel did so many times, I cry out to God to heal me, to rip my poisonous heart out and replace it with a heart that can actually accomplish something for Him. I pray with earnestness, for fear that my “Age of the Gentiles” might be right around the corner.