Two weeks worth...

Well, I haven't posted in two weeks, due in part to the lack of desire and to the lack of time. So I figured I'd give a bit of an update on things in general.

- Congrats to all Mizzou fans out there. Your one win away from the big game. Good luck!

- Tebow should win the Heisman. His numbers are ridiculous. That being said, if McFadden or Daniel wins, I will support it.

- The Ole' Ball Coach should leave USC and go coach UT. The Vol Nation would gain one citizen overnight.

- My grandmother's sepsis, CHF, and pneumonia have cleared up. So now rehab for the stroke starts. She can remember stuff like her Social Security number and her birthday (memories) but she can't dial her home phone number, even if it is written right in front of her and with coaching. Her movement in her left side is progressing, she can lift her hand slightly and squeeze your hand lightly. She should be back at home around Valentine's Day.

- I got a new MacBook last week. Long story on why, but lets just say many will benefit from this decision. Ask me if you wish to hear the long story.

- My job status is up in the air right now. This is another long story (ask me if you want to know,) but just be praying that I will be pushed and shoved in the right direction. Pray that God forces the issue.

- Isn't kinda funny how my job security follows me purchasing a new MacBook? Good Lord, I am in need of some help!

- I got the new Rob Bell Nooma DVD "Name" last week also. It turns out me and Bell have more in common than just our liberalistic social agendas (or as Bell would call them, "Genesis 2 issues",) we also both see a counselor. Great minds think alike! Ha Ha Ha! And yes, the video was good. Go watch it.

- Chris Elrod of Compass Point Church, had a good post the other day on the subject of love and truth. I would recommend going and reading it here as soon as possible.

- Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. Since my grandmother was in the rehab facility, my family had dinner in Ft. Meade. I had to work, so I didn't get to go, but I did get a plate once I got off, and it was good. By the way, there is no better way to make someone thankful than by making them work in the hospital on Thanksgiving Day. When you are pushing a patient on a stretcher from ER to his room, and he is a quadriplegic with MRSA and VRE, and is being fed through a feeding tube, you begin to be very grateful just for the chance to work and eat a wholesome dinner at midnight.

- I missed church today for the first time since the Story Telling Festival. Short story for this one, I have no good excuse. If you would like for me to elaborate on this one, just ask. On that note, I am sorry to those who were put into a bind, or to those who my absence might have caused some issues. I am in general, sorry to all those who I have let down in the past few months. I only ask that you will grant me the chance to reprove myself when the time comes.

So that about covers it. I'll try to post some more later on in the week. We'll see. Until then!

"Gravity is working against me, And gravity wants to bring me down..."

And on that note...

Joe Rodda, that astounding musician who is our worship leader for Journey, does a way better job than Jason Mraz could ever do (and I love Jason Mraz,) on "A Song for a Friend." If you have a myspace, go look him up and listen to it, it's amazing. But what I wanted to say other than that is the last verse of the song goes like this:

Climb up over the top.
Survey the state of the soul.
You've got to find out for yourself whether or not you're truly trying.
Why not give it a shot?
Shake it. Take control and inevitably wind up
Find out for yourself all the strengths you have inside of you.

I'm not truly trying, that's my problem. Why? Well I'm still working on that part. I'm sure it's due in part because of the "mind set on the flesh" thing. So I will press into God, and as David Crowder would say, "The heart breaking makes a sound I never knew could be, so beautiful and loud, fury filled, and we collide."

Ok, so I might be making some progress...

I went back and listened to a sermon by my man Matt Chandler from a few weeks ago, and I think it applies more to me now. So here's some thoughts from it.

He starts off by reading 1 Cor. 15:1, and ask, "I'm not asking you if you believe it, because there is a belief that is absolutely in vain. The question for today is are you standing in the gospel?"

So I needed to understand that concept more, and so he clarified later. What he said was my bio as of late. "Do you just believe it in your head but it has absolutely no carryover into any area in your life?... It does not affect how you spend your money, it does not affect how you live your life, it does not affect how you engage your neighbors. Are you standing in it or is it just belief?"

And so I said no, I'm not standing in it.

Then he mentions what some results can be from not standing in it. "The first one is despair, that you'll eventually think that Jesus doesn't work and all of this is fake and it's a big sham and you'll run. You'll just drop out and be done."

And that describes about how I feel now. I still cognitively believe, but my heart is not there right now.
"But outside of that cognitive admission of fact, no heart change, no life change, no love for God, no desire for Him, no flex in how you live your life. It's just, “I believe.” It's the mind set on the flesh."

...Yep...

Ok, so I've got my mind set on the flesh, and like Romans 8 says, "The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God."

I have no peace right now. I know that God is the only way I'll get over it, but I'm kinda doubting that He will actually help me. Here's what I know; I can't do this on my own, I need Him. I also know that it's not a mind thing, it's a heart thing, and that God is the only one who can change that. But I'm so exhausted right now, so tired of fighting and living two lives, that I am having trouble seeing an end to this. So I say, "God, I'm done, take this heart and, like Romans 8 says, give me 'life and peace'. I can't keep pretending any longer."

So what must I do? Later on in Romans 8:10 it says, "But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness." I must cling to that, Christ is in me, and so although my body (or flesh) is dead, my spirit is alive in Christ. So I must press and fast and pray for my spirit to become stronger than my flesh. I cannot accomplish this through mere discipline, but by my heart changing. And that can only happen by pressing into God, asking Him to change my heart. Like when Jesus told the Pharisees that they were white-washed tombs, clean on the outside (through discipline,) but dead on the inside (no heart change,) I must remind myself daily that only by pressing into God will I recover from this darkness.

There was one part that Matt said that really stuck, and I'm going to try to remind myself of this.
"The mind set on the spirit is constantly acknowledging its dependence on God for everything. The mind set on the spirit is not, “I'll do it and I can and I'll overcome and I'll fix this,” but more of a realization that “I can maybe control actions, but I can never change my heart. God alone can change my heart.” And it pushes into God and it claims the grace afforded to them in the cross and it clings to the power of the Holy Spirit and it presses in day after day after day saying, “I need You. I need You. Help me. Heal me. I need You.” It knows that their only hope when all is said and done is God. That's it. And that's the mind set on the spirit. It lives this way, “What should I do with my money? I need to engage God with how I should live my life. What job should I take? I need to engage God.” This is the person that's going, “I need Him, I need Him, I need Him, I need Him...” and is constantly pressing in. Are you standing in this?"

So this is what I'll try to do. Not with my own strength, but by knowing, and I mean truly, really knowing, that I can't do this. That I will not overcome, short of Him working my heart over.

...It will not happen over night, and so I say to those who I have let down, and to those who have seen me disgrace myself, please lend me just a bit more grace. I know you have exhausted your grace tank on me, but just know that I am looking to God, if not directly, then with my face to the ground.

I'll admit, I'm still broken, hurt, exhausted, and spent, both mentally and spiritually. But maybe the sun will rise soon, and with dawn comes a new day...

...Just be there for me when I awake. I'm sure I'll be much appreciative.

One last line from Matt. "And by standing in Him, He sanctifies and He purifies and He grows and He chisels away and He hammers down, and it's this process of dying to self and it's miserably beautiful."

Isn't it?

"Live from New York, It's Saturday Night"...

Ah, those famous great words were echoed last night by a great and famous voice, my man Obama. The sketch is pretty funny, not too long. Watch it for some good political satire. One thing though, they let Obama goes easy, as he called her a "lovely bride."

New book by Craig Groeschel...

I got his new book earlier this week to review and blog about. It's called "Going All The Way." So I'll read it and post my thoughts as soon as I finish it. It's about relationships, and if it's anything like the caliber of his first two books, it will be amazing. Till then...

Two different ideas...

Two songs, two different outlooks one the spending of money on useless products. Which is your favorite? I love Brett Dennen and this is one of his best. Paolo Nutini is one of the best new artist I've found and is touring with Amy Winehouse (another good one) right now.

Paolo Nutini - "New Shoes"

Woke up cold one Tuesday,
I'm looking tired and feeling quite sick,
I felt like there was something missing in my day to day life,
So I quickly opened the wardrobe,
Pulled out some jeans and a T-Shirt that seemed clean,
Topped it off with a pair of old shoes,
That were ripped around the seams,
And I thought these shoes just don't suit me.

[CHORUS:]
Hey, I put some new shoes on,
And suddenly everything is right,
I said, hey, I put some new shoes on and everybody's smiling,
It's so inviting,
Oh, short on money,
But long on time,
Slowly strolling in the sweet sunshine,
And I'm running late,
And I don't need an excuse,
'cause I'm wearing my brand new shoes.

Brett Dennen - "There Is So Much More"

When I heard the news,
My heart fell on the floor
I was on a plane on my way to Baltimore
In these trouble times its hard enough as it is
My soul has a known a better life than this

I wonder how so many can be in so much pain,
While others don't seem to feel a thing
Then I curse my whiteness,
and I get so damn depressed,
In a world with suffering,
Why should I be so blessed?

I heard about a women who lives in Colorado,
She built a monument of sorts behind the garage door
Where everyday she prays for all whom are born
And all whose souls have passed on
Sometimes my trouble gets so thick
I can't see how Im gonna get through it
but then I'd rather be stuck up in a tree
Then be tied to it

There is so much more.

I don't feel comfortable wit the way my clothes fit
I cant get used to my body's limits
I got some fancy shoes to try and giggle away these blues
They cost a lot of money but they aren't worth a thing
I wanna free my feet from the broken glass and concrete
I need to get out of this city
Lay upon the ground stare a hole in the sky
Wondering where I go when I die
When I die.

An Update...

Well, this week has been crazy. And it got crazier today. I got up at 8 to go see two of my favorite kids in the world play their soccer game. Couldn't find them, so I came back and slept till the 1200 game. Again, couldn't find them. So apparently they had the 1100 game. Anyways, I will just make sure I'm there from 8-12 next Sat. So anyways, I get a call at 930 out at the field that my grandmother was going to the hospital. So around 130 I went to the hospital once she got her room up in MI. So I spent the next few hours there, and then headed to Winter Haven for my other grandmother's birthday get-together. Stayed there about an hour, then went home. So I say all that to say this...nothing. Just figured I'd give an update to all my fans out there how my day went. I got another session with my therapist on Wed. That will be good I'm sure. So other than that, I'll be at the hospital most of the week, either working or in MICU. Pray for my grandmother. The diagnosis is she has congestive heart failure, Pneumonia in her one remaining lung, sepsis, and are looking to see if her cancer has come back. A bronc test today showed nothing in her bronc tube, but the pneumonia has clouded the 3 lobes of the lung, so it will a few days to get the full results as far as the cancer goes. The doc says that she will be on the vent for several days at least. So just pray I guess. I'm secure in knowing that she's in good hands, but still...

Ok, so that's it for now. Oh, and on the pic above, her left lung was removed a few years back because of lung cancer.