No Faith?

My grandfather is a decorated WWII Navy veteran, a husband of 60 + years, the father of 3, and grandfather of 3. He had never claimed to have an active faith in God, and seemed to be banking on the fact that he is good enough to acquire an everlasting relationship with God after he dies. And so one of his sons, my dad, had occasionally talked to him over the past few years about finding that relationship with God, to no avail. Then two saturdays ago, my grandfather apparently finally turned to God. It was a great day for our family.

But here's the kicker, I found it hard to believe. I have prayed and thought over my grandfather, and I prayed for God to open my grandfather's heart to Him. For about 5 years, I had went to Jesus for him. But looking back on it now, I never really thought he would turn to God, I never really expected God to save him. I have no idea why. I have racked my mind in the past few days, in search of a reason, only to find no explanation why. This is shaking me to my core. It is bringing great doubts into my mind and more so to my heart. I am breaking before God in asking why; why did I doubt, why did I question? Is my faith so shallow, so weak, more grounded in intellect than in my soul? Adam and I have had discussions on some of these very questions.

Needless to say, I'm not giving up. I will press on, I will press into Him. You know its funny, the other day I was doing a devotion, and it was talking about how David and his mighty men fought Philistine warriors who were descendents of giants (2 Sam. 21-23.) I labeled my journal that day "Land of Giants," and I wrote that we will have giants who come against us, and how we must remain in God and take refuge in Him. The funny thing is, sometimes those "giants" are ourselves. In this case, the giant I am facing is myself. How do you combat your own soul without killing it? How do you wage a war against an enemy so fierce as your own mind and soul? So I guess I will take my own advice on this one, and cling to God, knowing that He is the only way I will be able to face this giant. Through these times of doubt, through this purging of my soul. I wrote a prayer in that journal entry, and the last line particularly pierces my heart today.

"I will rest in You, though Giants come against me."

May God slay the giant that lives in me. And may the angels still sing over another soul coming home.